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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28825671">Honeysuckle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilupant/pseuds/ilupant'>ilupant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mystic Messenger (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of PTSD, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Other, Saeran's confused, and you're patient, you also don't have an inside voice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:26:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28825671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilupant/pseuds/ilupant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Saeran overhears you saying that your feelings for him are more than platonic, and he's at a loss for what to do. </p><p>(Featuring SE Saeran)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Saeran/Main Character, Choi Saeran/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Honeysuckle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was a request made anonymously on Tumblr! It was supposed to be a set of headcanons, but to be honest, SE Saeran is incredibly complex and I didn't think I could capture that through just headcanons. This became a mini fic really quickly, but I think that was for the better.</p><p>Plus, I have a weak spot for SE Saeran, so spontaneously writing 4.5k words for him was a good thing to do on a Saturday afternoon.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t really mean to overhear anything. But as someone who was always in the background, observing the lives of others, he often heard snippets of conversations he wasn’t a part of. It came with the territory.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that was exactly what had happened that day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had been walking from his room to the kitchen. It was late evening, and the air was just beginning to feel heavy with the approaching night. As he passed your room, Saeran briefly heard your voice coming from within. Your door was cracked open, allowing Saeran to clearly hear you saying his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stopped in his tracks. You sounded upset. And while Saeran knew that he shouldn’t eavesdrop, hearing you say his name with such a tone felt odd.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a slight pause, Saeran took a step back and leaned towards your door, focusing on the sounds coming from within. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it really that obvious?” You asked with a sigh. “This </span>
  <em>
    <span>sucks.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Please tell me Saeran hasn’t noticed. The last thing I want to do is pressure him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s eyebrows creased as he stood by the door. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, and the gears in his mind began to turn as he tried to figure out what you were talking about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He probably has noticed. He’s not dumb,” was Saeyoung’s response. “You’re a really bad liar. I’m pretty sure the entire RFA knows that you like Saeran.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s eyebrows quirked upwards at his brother’s words, and everything else around him seemed to come to a pause.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You liked him? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t understand why that was such a big deal. Sure, you liked him. Enough to be friends with him, at least. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But when Saeran heard you groan, like you were frustrated with something, he was suddenly plagued with the feeling that there was more going on here than he had initially anticipated. Clearly, he was missing something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I don’t think he’d ever look at me that way,” he heard you lamenting. “Besides, Saeran’s got enough going on, you know? The last thing he needs is me messing things up by waltzing up to him and announcing that I love him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Love?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran heart came to a sudden halt within his chest, jumping up into his throat. That single word was enough to fill the gaps in his understanding. Was </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>what he had missed?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that didn’t make any sense. He had to have misheard. This was a mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s head began to spin with a myriad of thoughts- too many for him to keep up with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Enough.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something seemed to snap. He immediately sped off, leaving in the same direction that he’d initially come from. He could feel his face sweltering as he returned to his room, pulling the door shut behind him and sealing him in the one place that he felt he might have been able to think clearly in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite Saeran’s efforts, though, he could not find respite in the familiar surroundings. He brought a hand up to his forehead to massage his temples, attempting to soothe an oncoming headache. His skin was hot to the touch, and that only frustrated him more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran may not have had much experience with love, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly what you were talking about, and he hadn’t been expecting to hear it. Saeran had never so much as thought about love. He hadn’t been interested in it. And associating you with so foreign a topic felt inappropriate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sure, Saeran liked to watch you bumble about. Your laugh didn’t hurt his head. He felt comfortable enough with you that he could relax in your presence. Saeran liked looking at you, and he liked being with you. But that didn’t mean anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>These thoughts were only making him feel more uncomfortable. Saeran wasn’t meant to live a life like yours. He had rid himself of that possibility long ago. He had resigned himself to the fact that he shouldn’t be close with anyone- especially not you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran was disfigured. Dirty. But you weren’t, and he didn’t want to see you tainted by someone like him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That thought was at the forefront of Saeran’s mind from then on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the next while, Saeran went out of his way to try and distance himself from you. The thoughts and feelings that swarmed him in your presence were nearly unbearable. Despite knowing that he wasn’t supposed to be thinking of things like this, Saeran couldn’t stop himself. His mind was rebelling against him, but not in the way that he was used to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran wasn’t sure if avoiding you was helping any. It wasn’t an easy thing to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guilt that Saeran felt at seeing your face fall was just as bad as the feelings he was trying to escape. He hated having to act so vigilant, always on the lookout for you just so that he could duck away. He hadn’t realized just how much time he spent in your presence before all of this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had he really become that comfortable with you? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was clear that you cared for Saeran enough to feel hurt, and that was unnatural. Saeran knew that this was making you feel bad, and he also knew that he couldn’t get away with this forever. The two of you lived in the same house, and there would come a point where somebody would have to say something. But the thought of contronting you and being backed into a corner made Saeran feel sick. These thoughts and feelings were wrecking his head, and he dreaded the possibility of anyone using them against him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though Saeran knew that this was only a temporary solution, he persisted in his efforts, running away from you, avoiding your eyes, and refusing to say a single word to you. It was the best that he could do for you, even if he knew that he was actively hurting your feelings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took Saeran a week to realize that this wasn’t changing things for the better. He was just as miserable as you were. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had expected Saeyoung to play the mediator. He had an ugly habit of inserting himself into Saeran’s business, sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. But when he heard soft, unsure knocking at the door to his room, he somehow knew that it was you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran resigned himself to his fate with a sigh. He stood up from his bed and approached the door, pulling it open to reveal you. You were wringing your hands, lips pressed into a thin line, and it was clear that you felt anxious to approach him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d never looked that way around Saeran before. His guilt returned with a vengeance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” your greeting sounded forced and unnatural. “Can we talk?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had figured that this was going to happen eventually.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” he stepped aside and allowed you entry. You didn’t say anything as you walked into his room, and Saeran felt awkward as he shut the door again. After spending so much time avoiding you, being stuck in such a small, enclosed space only amplified the effects of your presence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had he always felt this strange around you? Was it because he’d overheard your conversation with Saeyoung, or it always been like this and he just hadn't noticed?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t right. Saeran had never had to think so much around you before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You stood by one of the walls awkwardly, as if you weren’t sure where to go. When you finally met Saeran’s eyes, it was clear that you were upset. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you angry with me?” You got straight to the point, but the question was strange coming from your mouth. It was clear that you’d been sitting on this for quite some time, the emotions festering inside of you until it had become too much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You had never once asked Saeran anything like this before, and it was becoming clear to him that he wasn’t the only one who felt that things were changing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran knew that you’d noticed him avoiding you from day one, but he hadn’t imagined that it would have hurt you this much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn't want to lie to you, so he didn’t. “No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His voice didn’t betray any of his feelings. He knew that he sounded a bit too blunt, but he wasn’t sure how to remedy that. Despite his efforts to be as clear as possible, you only looked more confused. Your mouth opened, closed, then opened again as you struggled to find the right words. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then, what?” Was your next question. You held Saeran’s gaze. “You’ve been avoiding me, and I don’t know why. If I did something wrong, please tell me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t respond for a few moments. He felt conflicted as he looked at you, taking you in. Though you were trying to sound assertive and confident, Saeran could see right through you. It was clear that you felt hurt. There was an insecurity to your eyes that he wasn’t used to seeing, and it was making him feel bad. If you were desperate enough for answers to confront him like this, you must have been struggling to get the situation out of your mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Had Saeran really caused you this much stress?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t usually care much about making others feel awkward, but when it was you, things were somehow different. You defied all rules, and that confused him. Even now, he was allowing you into his room, giving you the option to back him into a corner, yet he didn’t feel the same urge to lash out at you as he did with others. Saeran was uncomfortable, but he wasn’t angry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How was he supposed to explain that this had been a necessary evil? Saeran was doing you a favor by staying away from you, but he wasn’t sure if you would understand that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had lived an entirely different life from yours. He was born to malice and raised in cruelty, forced to become the same scum that had disfigured him completely. He hadn’t known anything but an endless cycle of struggling to stay alive. Even after reuniting with his brother a year ago, Saeran was unable to adapt to this new life. He would never truly be able to. He knew that you would try to shoulder this burden with him if you could, and he didn’t like that. Saeran couldn’t justify letting you put yourself in this position.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were warm, kind, and patient. You gave him space but included him passively through unspoken invitations, coexisting with him and sharing quiet moments together. You wanted Saeran to be around, but you also wanted him to have the final say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You gave him the freedom to choose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran felt like he could let his guards down a little bit more when you were there. You were a breath of fresh air, sweet like honeysuckle. You were a symbol of the life that Saeran had been denied, and as much as he wanted to continue existing with you, he couldn’t shed his caution. Saeran wasn’t sure if he could bear being shattered again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You observed Saeran with a pointed frown, like you were trying to look straight into his head. There was something strangely calculating about your gaze, which had become sharp and focused. Saeran could practically see the gears turning in your head. You were racking your brain, retracing your steps, going back in time. You were trying to figure it out, and Saeran feared that you would.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then it happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You paused, and then your confusion seemed to dissipate, your frown wavering for a second, like you were deliberating something. As soon as you came to the realization that Saeran had feared you would come to, he knew that it was over. It only took you a handful of sentences and a few minutes to figure him out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But instead of looking upset, you just looked unsure, like you couldn’t quite believe the thoughts running through your head. The longer you stared at Saeran in silence, the more displaced he felt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” you spoke up eventually, like you were trying to get your foot in the door before Saeran slammed it shut completely. “Wait, did you- did you hear?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with that, his facade broke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s face flushed. His eyes darted away from you, like he could retain some of his dignity by refusing to meet your gaze. He didn’t speak, focusing instead on one of the few books that lined the barren shelves in his room. A heavy silence settled between the two of you, filling the nooks and crannies of words left unsaid. It was almost like the two of you were engaging in a secret, silent conversation, speaking without saying a single word.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was all of the confirmation that you needed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did, didn’t you?” Your voice was now significantly quieter than before. The uncertainty in your voice worried him a little bit, and before Saeran could stop himself, he looked back at you. This time, it was you who was averting your eyes, looking defeated, like you were now shouldering an incredibly heavy burden. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guilt was becoming a little bit too much. Avoiding you hadn’t worked, and this wasn’t working, either. Saeran had to say something. You looked crushed, and it would have been cruel to stay silent for any longer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the sound of his voice you looked back up, and the two of you finally met each other’s eyes. It was clear that something was a little bit different. Barriers that Saeran hadn’t known existed were being torn down. It was as if this new, shared knowledge had inspired a shift, and you could now see each other a little bit more clearly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were both vulnerable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran was entering foreign territory and his instinct was to retreat, but despite his discomfort he knew that he couldn’t leave you behind. He couldn’t help feeling ashamed of himself. He wasn’t supposed to be in this position, but it felt even worse to have dragged you into it with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You inhaled deeply, held your breath for a few seconds, and let it back out. Your sigh was deep and heavy, like you were trying to rid yourself of your nerves. Searan could see the slight trembling of your hands, which you tried to hide by crossing your arms over your chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” you finally spoke up again. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that. I didn’t want to put you in this position.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A frown creased Saeran’s brow as he regarded you, trying to understand why you suddenly felt sorry. Did you really feel as if you had anything to apologize for?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You hadn’t done anything wrong. You weren’t the one who was supposed to feel bad.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess I should properly tell you, then,” though you still sounded nervous, there was a new resignation to your voice. Something was different about your gaze, a new intensity striking him, as if you were trying to pin him down with a single look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like you. I have for a long time, but I know that it wouldn’t be fair to you if I said anything, so I never did. I know you’re healing and that you will be for a while. The last thing I wanted to do was to make things more difficult by giving you more to worry about.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s mouth felt strangely dry. He was being swarmed with millions of thoughts at once as he heard you speaking, like you were deliberately trying to stir up a hurricane inside of him. Somehow, what you were saying to him didn’t make any sense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were being kind, but it was confusing. You were as gentle as you were serious, but the words coming from your mouth didn’t quite fit together. You were worrying about him when you shouldn’t have been.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You didn’t give Saeran a single second to catch up, like some dam had been breached and you couldn’t stop yourself anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Honestly, I’m not really sure what to do now. I know I can’t turn anything back and make it so that you haven’t heard any of this. Now you know. I can’t change that, even if I wish that I could.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your last sentence was just enough to break through the calloused outer shell that had been keeping Saeran quiet. Though he’d felt bothered by this entire conversation, up until this point he’d been able to follow your train of thought at least somewhat. Now, though, he was completely lost. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a frown, Saeran asked, “Why do you wish that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You considered your answer for a second, deliberating. “Because now things won’t go back to normal. I didn’t want anything to be awkward. I like you a lot, sure, but I would rather feel bad by myself than make you feel bad by forcing all of this into your head.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instantly, Saeran was annoyed. This was too altruistic of you- too selfless. The thought of you stifling yourself, keeping your sentiments a secret and hurting just so that he wouldn’t have to felt wrong. Nobody should be making sacrifices like that for him, least of all you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t like that answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In fact, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> that answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re wrong,” he found himself saying. “There’s no point in making yourself feel bad for nothing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran must have been closing in on the heart of the issues, because you were beginning to look anxious again. “Well, we can’t exactly stay the same,” you said. “And I don’t want you to dislike me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It sounded like you had already resigned yourself to a presupposed fate. Like you had made up your mind that there was no outcome other than the two of you disliking each other, and you were now seeing that fear being realized. Saeran only felt more frustrated at that. Did you really feel as if the only option was for him to hate you?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re wrong,” he told you bluntly. “I don’t dislike you, and I’m not going to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well if you don’t dislike me, then why were you avoiding me?” You fired back almost immediately, like you’d been holding this in for quite some time. Your earlier facade of confidence had disintegrated, giving way to a confused anxiety. It was new, and Saeran’t didn’t welcome this change. You were the only one honest enough with Saeran to be this frank with him. You didn’t walk on eggshells around him, nor did you expect him to do the same with you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Usually, it was refreshing. But now, it was putting Saeran in a position where he felt he would have to end up telling you what he had wanted to keep to himself. He didn’t want you to feel bad, but he didn’t want to have to admit to anything that had been going on inside of his head, either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How was Saeran supposed to confess to you that you made him feel strange? Light-headed? How could he explain to you that you made his face feel warm and his hands slightly clammy? How would he even begin to tell you about how you were the only person that made breathing feel a little bit easier?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How could Saeran tell you that he didn’t want to lose any of that, even if he’d never deserved to have it in the first place?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t want you to stop talking to him. He didn’t want you to feel like he hated you or that he didn’t want to be around you anymore. He didn’t deserve you, but he didn’t want you to leave, either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t dislike you,” Saeran repeated the same phrase as before. “I couldn’t if I wanted to. That’s why I was avoiding you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You still looked incredibly confused. Saeran’s explanation was blunt, but he knew that he still wasn’t directly answering your question. The implied meaning was purposefully vague, because he wasn’t sure if he could manage having to explain his feelings word by word.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he still wanted you to know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And, like always, you seemed to eventually understand. Though the two of you had spent the majority of your time together in silence over the past year, you had somehow managed to get to know Saeran well enough that you could read him like an open book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was one of the many things that Saeran didn’t quite understand about you. You were an anomaly in more ways than one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your frown disappeared, eyebrows raising upwards, and your mouth formed a small ‘o’ when you finally managed to read between the lines.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then your eyebrows creased again, your mouth pressing back into a thin line. This time, you looked more unsure than anything else, like you didn’t want to completely believe what you were hearing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait-” you paused for a second, like you were trying to gather yourself. “Wait, so are you saying that-?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You didn’t finish the sentence, staring up at Saeran like you were waiting for him to feel the gaps. He could feel his cheeks grow warm as his flush deepened, but he held your gaze anyways, mouth set into a firm line. You’d obviously already figured it out, so why were you trying to get him to say it again? There wasn’t any point in pretending that you didn’t know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take you long to catch onto the fact that Saeran wasn’t planning on saying anything else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you- you, too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The question was awkward. It felt fumbled, out of place, rudimentary, and so vague that Saeran couldn’t help feeling a little bit frustrated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The two of you had never needed many words. You always seemed to understand each other without them, and this was no exception. Though you weren’t being specific, Saeran knew exactly what you were asking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was important that you get a clear yes or no. Ever since Saeran had overheard your conversation, this had been inevitable. He respected you too much to leave you hanging for any longer, and he couldn’t stand the thought of seeing your spirits repeatedly crushed, over and over again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’d taken a chance on him from the very beginning. The least that Saeran could do was to return the favor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did he return your feelings?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a single word, and Saeran hated how awkward his voice sounded, but you didn’t seem to  notice. The queasy feeling in his stomach was unrelenting, and his hands were clammy, nerves running rampant through his system. His jaw was clenched, like he was angry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t done anything like this in a long time. Saeran had stopped trusting people with his feelings a long time ago. Going against his gut instinct of keeping everything locked away seemed to have a physical toll on his body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But, like always, you understood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your surprise was so tangible that Saeran could feel it. There was a glimmer in your eyes that he had only seen a few times, and you looked at him with such sincerity that Saeran felt you must have been looking at the wrong person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t supposed to have any of this. Saeran didn’t deserve you, and he didn’t deserve the unconditional kindness you’d been showing him since the moment you two met. Saeran was disfigured where you weren’t, jagged where you were smooth. He had known you for a year, and never once had you made him feel sick to his stomach like everybody else in his life had. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had done horrible things to the RFA, tormented all of the members. The feeling of cool metal was still singed into his right hand, and he could remember the pressure against his index finger as he pulled the trigger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, Saeran swore that he could still feel his ears ringing. And he knew that he deserved to hear it, to feel the gun in his hand for the rest of his life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it seemed like you knew. Without Saeran having to tell you, you knew that he needed time. And despite this, your lips slowly drew upwards, curling into the faintest of smiles. Your tense shoulders finally eased up a little bit, like you’d finally gotten fresh breath air for the first time since you’d walked into this room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran felt relieved. He wanted you to breathe easy. And somehow, that relief was just enough to dull the intrusive memories that had taken root at the forefront of his mind again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow, you’d always managed to do this to him. You had always taken the edge off of the suffering that Saeran felt. You always made him feel like there was something good left in his world, even if he had never truly earned such respite. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was it even worth trying to figure out when this had all started?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your smile was still faint when you finally spoke again.  “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another short silence befell the two of you, and Saeran wasn’t sure how to fill it. He was sick of these quiet moments. They lasted too long, and he kept feeling like your eyes were piercing directly into his mind and reading his innermost thoughts. All he could hear was the sound of his own pulse, reverberating off of the walls in the room, and Saeran was wondering if you could hear it, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This was foreign. Unfamiliar. He didn’t know what to do, but you were quick to come to his rescue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know that you’re in a weird place,” you said, “and I know that now isn’t a good time for these things. I understand. I don’t want to make you feel pressured into anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kind.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You were being kind again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Somehow, just knowing makes me feel better,” you told him. “So just understand that I don’t expect anything out of you, okay? Whatever makes you comfortable is good enough for me. And if that’s nothing, that’s fine. So just do what you need to do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran held your gaze. Your eyes were gentle, your voice smooth and honest. You truly meant what you were saying, and it tugged at something strange inside of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a few seconds before Saeran finally nodded at you. His voice seemed to have completely disappeared in the wake of your smile. He had never been much of a speaker in the first place, even around you. Saeran didn’t trust his words, and he trusted the words of others even less. He had long ago come to the conclusion that being on his own was better than relying on anyone, because with trust came lies, and with lies came suffering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran had come to terms with the fact that the rest of his life would be spent in solitude. It was exactly what he deserved. People lied, and so did he.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But you were an open book. You had laid your feelings out in front of him, spelled them out despite the anxiety you felt, despite how much Saeran had gone out of his way to avoid you. You had no assurance that Saeran wouldn’t use your words as weapons against you, yet you trusted him all the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You were being truthful. Searan could see that. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he could believe in what somebody was giving him, even just a little bit. So when you turned around with the intention to leave, Saeran felt himself growing slightly anxious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want you to leave. Not after such a revelation. Everything was strange and unfinished, like knots that had become a little bit too loose, and it was making him uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But how was he supposed to tell you that he wanted you to stay? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran’s voice was stuck in his throat, just as it had been for the past year. The words were too heavy, too meaningful for him to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet somehow, like always, you seemed to pick up on some of the silent signals that Saeran was sending you. Just before you turned back into the hallway you looked back at him, pausing for a second before you spoke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, do you want ice cream?” You asked him. “We got some earlier today. I noticed you were out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was your nonchalance that finally started to calm the swarm of nerves in the pit of Saeran’s stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Clearly, you were trying. You were talking, filling the silence that he didn’t have the confidence to fill. You were saying what he was too afraid to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saeran didn’t want you to go. And you didn’t want to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It all fell into place in the strangest, most confusing way. Yet this was the easiest decision that Saeran had ever made. It was a start, and though he knew didn’t deserve it, he didn’t want to let this pass him by. He didn’t want one of the only good things in his life to slip through his fingers, no matter how stained his hands had become.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And for the first time in a week, you grinned.</span>
</p>
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